Conversation my dog and I had in my head after he sheepishly noticed me watching him pee:
Jake: Not cool, Mom. I'd appreciate you turning away next time.
Me: Whatever, you watch me pee all the time.
Jake: Not intentionally.
Me: So sleeping in the room dedicated to expelling waste is not your choice?
Jake: Look, I like a nice cold floor; it reminds me of my youth. Besides, aren't you supposed to be the civilized one? You could stand to give a dog a heads-up every once in a while. I mean, sometimes you don't even turn the light on.
Me: Turning the light on in the middle of the night guarantees -- you know what? I pay the bills around here and I'll pee how I want to.
Jake: Well, if unrestricted urination is the route to alpha status, it's game on, Sista'. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some garbage to eat.